Not it.

No more Zoloft, 133.8 pounds

Back in September, I started dating “The Actor.” He was classically handsome. Some might say beautiful. He was communicative, expressive, and expressive. On our first date, I knew I was in trouble. I was instantly smitten.

I originally met The Actor on OkCupid. Everything in his profile sounded great, with one exception. In the questions section, there was a question about how long you wanted your next relationship to be. He answered “6 months.” In his explanation, he commented that he was open to longer, but being honest, he was a serial monogamist. This was a flag that I should have paid more attention to.

When he first contacted me, I told him that I wasn’t sure that we were looking for the same thing, but he had many interesting qualities and we could at the very least have an interesting conversation. He agreed, and we set the plan to meet.

We had a great connection from the start. We got a bit physical at the end of the first date, which I had never done before. Whoops. After dating for a month and a half, he gave me his key when I stayed over one night. I met his friends within a few weeks, and met his daughter after a few months.

He was a very busy man, with little flexible time in his schedule. He worked full time, and did theatre acting on the side. He would consider himself an actor first and foremost, as that is what he studied and is trained to be. But, it doesn’t pay the bills. He performs in a couple local productions a year. He also has a 5 year-old daughter, which he spends most weekends with. He goes to her mother’s house for three nights during the week to put her to bed.

As a very dedicated father with a rather time consuming “hobby,” there wasn’t much time for dating. I was usually the last priority. We would spend a couple nights per week together. It was usually after he saw his daughter, after a long day of work. He was tired, and so was I. So, the quality of time together and the effort he put into it was not what it could have been. However, I understood that he had a lot of things going on, and his daughter absolutely needed to be top priority.

The Actor was always very complimentary of me. He commented about my beauty, my intelligence, my kindness, and my giving nature. We were very loving toward each other.

We made future plans to see a friend’s play at the end of February. He got sick during the first week of February. I took care of him. Inevitably, I caught the bug from him, and then he took care of me. After a few days of being sick, I got stuck in my house from the snow. He calls me in the midst of the snow days and breaks up with me over the phone. After 5 months together, I get a phone call. I am alone in my home, with no one being able to come over. I am trapped.

He comes over the next day (Valentine’s Day), and we spend 3 hours talking, crying, and holding each other. Our foreheads are pressed together for a good portion of the tear-filled moments. We end up giving each other a few lightly placed kisses on the lips.

He explains that he loves being with me, and I have all of the qualities that he is looking for. But for some reason, his mind is telling him that I am “not it.” I am not a match. For me, this doesn’t add up. He agrees that this is his issue, and that I have done nothing wrong. If anything, he says that I cherished him more than any other woman ever has.

He explains that in the beginning of our relationship, he wanted to jump me all the time. Now that we have been together for some time, he doesn’t feel that way all the time anymore. He said, “Even if you are just sitting on the couch watching television, I should want to jump you ALL the time.” We had sex (good sex, too) every time we saw each other, so there was no lack of physicality between us. But he thinks the relationship should always operate like the first time you had sex; that lust should be ever-present at every moment. I tell him that’s not realistically possible. After time, the initial intensity of lust and infatuation starts to lessen. That’s when you start to develop true emotional intimacy, that bond. I tell him that he is addicted to the chase. He admits that this is true. He bails after the freshness wears off. He agrees that he is scared of commitment. Is he capable of true intimacy?

I tell him that he needs therapy. He is throwing away something good. He says that his past relationships have been filled with drama. He has confused drama for love, and while he does appreciate having no drama with me, he is confused. He admits that he purposely has chosen women in the past that he knew weren’t right for him, and thus gave him an out in the relationship: one too young, one who was moving, one who didn’t like kids, one who was polyamorous. He said being with me scared him, because he saw the potential for something long term. He wasn’t ready for that.

He agrees that he needs to see a therapist. He says he needs to figure out what it means to be in a relationship: how to invest, how to commit. He really didn’t put forth the effort into our relationship. He writes me a couple weeks after he broke up with me to let me know that he has looked into a couple of a therapists, but he doesn’t have time right now to see them. The play that he has been working on is starting, and therapy will have to wait until the production is over. I hope he fulfills that promise, at least as a gift to himself.

We haven’t spoken since. I miss him terribly. I really wanted to be in his life while he was in the play. I was with him through all of the preparation. I wanted to see the end result. But now I just feel used. He dumped me right before the play is about to start. I feel like I don’t matter.

I have been torturing myself by looking at his facebook page (I know, bad idea, but we all do this to ourselves after a breakup because we are addicts for pain). He is posting pictures of rehearsals. He is getting super excited about the play. All of the people around him are, too. And I’m not there. I don’t want him to be in a celebratory spirit right now. Selfishly, I want him to be in pain like me. Why isn’t he feeling this loss? Oh yes, because dumping me was his choice. Maybe it was not a loss to him? The pictures are just evidence that life goes on without me, and maybe he feels he’s better off without me.

Throughout this pain, I made a decision. I need to be off of facebook completely. At least if I don’t log in at all, I won’t be tempted. So, it’s been two days since I have logged in. I need to stay strong and not look at his page.  The facebook strike must continue.

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2 thoughts on “Not it.

  1. When reading your post I couldn’t help but feel akin to you. I say this because I know that pain of being with someone who can’t commit because they are more about the beginnings of a relationship rather than sustaining a relationship. It is so painful to feel so disposable to someone who you care for. I too have done the Facebook thing, and I too have shut down my Facebook page in the past. It is so hard to not look and it is so hard to not hurt when you are staring at someone who you miss with every fiber of your being but whom you are, more than likely, not even thought of. Those things, coupled with already existing depression, are so exhausting and take all joy out of every day. I guess what I am getting at is that you aren’t alone. Take care.

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