The unicorn.

Last week was a challenging one. Being off the whole week caused me to hyperfocus on my hopelessness. Thoughts of The Actor consumed me. I kept replaying all of the moments of our relationship… the first date excitement, the second date jitters, the celebratory call he made after he slept over, the gratitude he would express about my spirit, my body, and my beauty. I keep looking at all of the wonderful moments. Maybe I am even idealizing him. In any case, I still ache for him terribly.

Last Tuesday, I discovered that The Actor had renewed his online dating profile, but this time on a different dating site. He was on Match, with 2 newly taken pictures. Let’s pause for a moment, and do a loud group “WTF!”

A 39 year-old man seeking a 23 - 33 year-old woman.

A 39 year-old man seeking women 23 – 33.

Needless to say, when I saw it, I totally LOST it. The finality of the loss of him consumed me.

When he broke up with me, he said that he needed to stop dating for a while and not be in a relationship so he could figure out how to be in one. He agreed that he needed to go to therapy.

A few weeks after that conversation, he said that therapy would need to wait until he was done with the play as he was so busy that he had no time for it. So, apparently, he has no time for therapy, but has time for online dating? Last time I checked, therapy was a 50-minute session once a week or every other week.

Now, he is on Match and PAYING for it and looking for much younger women. We met on OKcupid. Maybe he thought that I would see him on there if he reappeared? But at least OKcupid is free. Paying for the service and putting up new pictures means he’s looking and looking hard. For what, I am not sure.

I know that he is going to keep making the same mistakes in relationships until he gets a handle on his defeating patterns of behavior. But maybe he is happy going from relationship to relationship, and never really investing in them past the first stage. It’s ok if he wants to date around. The other person just needs to know that’s he’s not looking for anything and be on the same page. The damage is done when you say that you want a relationship, but your actions prove otherwise. The other person is lead on, and then tossed into a sea of confusion and broken promises.

In the end, The Actor is searching for the unicorn. He wants the perfect woman. Once he meets her, all of his commitment issues will go away. He will lust after her every day for the rest of his life, like the first day they met. She will never age. She will have no flaws. All of his flaws and problems will melt away, and their lives will be perfect.

Unfortunately, unicorns don’t exist, and neither do perfect people. We all have our flaws. And no person can “cure” us of our problems. We have to do the tough work ourselves.

If anyone is continually running away from commitment, I highly recommend the book Getting to Commitment by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. There’s a free sample of the beginning of the book on Amazon. It’s been an eye-opening read for me, as all of The Actor’s issues are so precisely laid out. The author, Steven Carter, had commitment issues himself, so he knows what he is talking about. The targeted audience is people who have commitment issues, but those of us who are the hapless followers of commitmentphobes can learn a thing or two about spotting these issues early in a relationship.


2 thoughts on “The unicorn.

  1. Oh dear, I am sorry you have been so hurt – but don’t concentrate on his issues (many that they maybe!) concentrate on healing yourself and moving on. I heartily recommend John Gray’s book “Starting over” – it helped me when I felt bereft at the end of a relationship which I thought was for ever. 9 months later I met my husband! Good luck with your journey. x

  2. I used to troll around the internet and would often find dating profiles of my wife’s (separated, not yet divorced) though she made claims that the idea of dating and relationships simply freaked her out. I guess what she was saying was that, “Joe, a relationship with you is not interesting, and therefore, I have no interest in dating you”. I don’t know. I don’t pretend to understand humans. I think they try to find deceitful ways to avoid injuring someone’s emotions, when all they do is set a trap for future pain. That is my two cents.

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