Lord of the rings.

Day 19 of Zoloft regimen. Weight: 134.2 pounds.

This was my engagement ring, 4 years ago…
Ring_1

It was a beautiful ring, but was based on lies. Unfortunately, I didn’t discover the lies until after he proposed. Fortunately, I discovered the lies before the wedding.

I wrote off that relationship as a freak occurrence. It took me a while, but I was able to gain back my faith in mankind. I believe that people are inherently good and would not do things to purposely hurt one another, with of course some exceptions for psychopathology. Because of this belief, I have come to realize that I have a high tolerance for misbehavior amongst my friends and boyfriends. I put up with a lot. I am very forgiving. I don’t see ill will. I see misguided actions and miscommunication.

And now, here I am in the present, after a failed relationship with my most recent guy, SP. I had a very powerful will these past few weeks. It had been 15 days since I had visited SP’s facebook page. I have been sick with an unrelenting cold, and I think it has also weakened my judgment. Yes, I did something stupid last night. I searched for him on Reddit. I found his profile posted on Reddit gifts, which included a link to a wishlist. Stupid me thought, “Oh, I didn’t know you could list things you wanted on Reddit. Maybe it is for funding projects and ideas?” Uh, yeah, no… it’s a link straight to an Amazon wishlist; SP’s Amazon wishlist that I deleted from my remembered people. I wasn’t prepared to be taken there, but given his usual inane listing of movies and games, there wouldn’t have been a reason for alarm. Unfortunately, there was something new on the list that was just added on January 18. At the very top of the list was this:

the ring

A ring? I can only assume that he wants to buy it for the ex-girlfriend that he got back together with (aka, the reason why he dumped me). It’s a lab-created sapphire with simulated diamonds priced at $540. Because of the price point and fake diamonds, I am assuming (again, where do my assumptions ever get me in life?) that this is intended as a birthday, anniversary, or “yay, we’re back together” gift and not an engagement ring. However, it could just be saved on his list for inspiration, to have something made in its likeness.

Needless to say, it hurt seeing the ring. How can a man cycle through relationships and emotions so quickly? It’s like I never existed. All the lines he fed me were total bullcrap.

After these relationship experiences, how do I trust what a man is telling me to be true? How do I not think in the back of my mind, “I wonder when this is going to fall apart”? SP got a pure version of me, with hope in my heart and trust in my soul. Now, I don’t know what to believe anymore.

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Without Ambien, there are dreams.

Day 14 of Zoloft. Weight: 134.4 pounds.

My nausea is mostly gone, and my appetite has increased. I have felt like I have ate so much in the past few days, but was surprised (and relieved) to see that I didn’t weigh more. I have still not returned to yoga, due to the nausea and fatigue. I have given myself permission to feel okay about not going to yoga, as I’m adjusting to my new medication. That’s a big step for me, as I usually beat myself up over decisions and paths that I have taken in life.

I ended up falling asleep on my own last night, without the Ambien, around 9:15. I woke up around 12:45 am, and had some heart-pounding anxiety and racing thoughts, but I decided to stick with not taking the Ambien. I tossed around and slept for small, brief stints.

The Ambien tends to rid me of my dreams. So last night, I dreamt vividly without it. It was not a good thing, as I had a very vivid dream about SP. I could see every detail of his face, as I was kissing him. I woke up feeling traumatized. I don’t want him back. I just want him to be a distant memory. I wish the dream didn’t seem so real.

One of my friends shared a song with me the other day, titled Rock, Salt, and Nails. I was unfamiliar with the tune, and wasn’t too fond of that style of music. However, the reason he shared it with me was because of the lyrics. Click on the link I’ve embedded in the song title, and you will see why.

That same friend wants me to write my own song lyrics. “They say a broken heart composes the best songs about pain,” he says. It left me thinking about people who have never experienced a breakup before. What do those people who married their first love think about songs about heartache? They have never known that kind of pain, so do they think the lyrics to be silly? Or do they even give it much thought to begin with? Do they remain in possession of a youthful perspective on relationships?

Today, I ate a cupcake.

Day 6 of Zoloft. Weight: 133 pounds.

I have not had much of an appetite as of late, and I feel I have even less of one since I started the Zoloft. I barely touched my dinner last night. My friend begged me to eat, but I felt so full. I took the rest home, and ate it throughout the day today. God, I am so affordable. There were cupcakes at work today for the celebration of a half birthday (that’s how we roll with the summer birthdays), and I actually felt up to eating one. I marked it down as an accomplishment.

It has been 3 days since I have looked him up on facebook. It has taken all my willpower, but I am trying to reward myself for each day that goes by that I am successful resisting the temptation. Taking him off of my news feed was not nearly enough to stop my clicking fingers in the beginning, but now I am feeling at least a little bit of self-control.

I have had a metallic taste in my mouth for the past few days. It’s not unbearable, just a minor inconvenience. I also have been experiencing insomnia, despite taking the Zoloft in the morning. My doctor gave me some Ambien to help with my sleep, and I feel guilty for using it. I went one night without it, and was up for most of the night with my heart pounding and my ruminating thoughts forever cycling in my head. I enter each evening hoping I will just fall asleep. I am fatigued and run down, yet can’t seem to commit to the act of sleep. After reading the news about Ambien this morning, I think I will cut my pill in half… that is, if I need to take it. I still hold onto hope.

Inside the tunnel.

Day four of Zoloft. Weight: 134 pounds.

It had been a long time since I had dated anyone. I had a few brief stints since the end of my engagement four years ago, but nothing serious. I was open and ready for a new relationship. Then I met SP (not his real name or initials, of course). Things with SP were going so wonderfully. On date two, he declared that he wasn’t interested in dating anyone else. By date three, mom knew about me.

He left notes in my bed. He joked about what our children would be like. He texted me sweet confections every day. Here is a snippet of some of the messages he sent:

  • –  Through what did I have to suffer in a past life to deserve having you in mine?
  • –  Unless things between you and I change, I am yours alone in body and mind. It’s not meant to sound melodramatic, it’s just how I work.
  • –  You are very special. I feel very fortunate to have you in my life.
  • –  You’re on my mind all the time, but especially so at the moment.
  • –  There’s something about sharing a weekend, conversation, and a bed with you that motivates me to want more.
  • –  How are you today, my good morning muse? I would love to see you tonight.
  • –  I’ll be trying to keep my mind on work. It’d be so much easier if they would just pay me for thinking of you.

 

Needless to say, I was taken by all of this. He was beautiful, thoughtful, and affectionate. He was intelligent and kind. I was so happy to spend time with him. Our conversations were so fulfilling, and the closeness was so rewarding.

Then, the bomb exploded. His ex-girlfriend declared that she wanted him back. He figured out that he still had feelings for her. He decided that he had more of an emotional connection with her than with me, undoubtedly because they dated for much longer a period of time than we did. In an instant, I was tossed aside. Feelings for me were not only shut off, but the past was redefined as only a friendship. It felt like he said “just kidding” about his feelings and our relationship.

I am hurting. I can’t stop the events from replaying in my head. I know I will never understand how someone can shut off their feelings so quickly. It makes me feel like those words meant nothing. Despite all of this, I still miss him terribly.

I had a horrible headache yesterday afternoon. My mood has not improved, but I am giving it my time and trust that I will eventually feel better… or at least capable of contributing to the world.

Jagged little pill.

Day one of Zoloft regimen. Weight: 134.6 pounds (height 5’7″). Breakfast: 2/3 of a Müller corner yogurt.

zoloft

I really hope that I don’t gain weight on this drug. However, I am well-versed as to the side effects, and always seem to be sensitive to medication. I have been on birth control pills for a long time, so I know how resistant the last 5 pounds can be. I have lost 4 pounds since the breakup, as I lose my appetite when I am down.

A couple of weeks ago, I started a trial of 5-HTP. My depression skyrocketed, and I started to have suicidal thoughts. I was making poor choices, and even sent a letter to my ex. I felt no control over my emotions. One of my therapist friends told me to stop taking it immediately. Natural supplements are not regulated, so you never know if you are getting a consistent dose, or even if the pill contains that ingredient at all.

Because of this prior reaction, I worry about how my body will react to the Zoloft. Am I sensitive to increases in serotonin? I can’t go through that hell again. Perhaps it is the price to pay before I start feeling better?

 

Tomorrow begins a medicated life.

I mark down tomorrow as the first day of my regimen with Zoloft. It is a time for new beginnings, and hopefully a clearer picture of my vision of the future. I tried to avoid the medication this time, but the pain and rumination have been too much for me to shut off. I have used my support system. I have kept myself busy. I have accessed therapy. I am not progressing as I need to be. For now, my brain is out of whack. Depression is a bitch, folks. Sometimes, your body is screaming for you to recognize that your compensation is not enough to overcome your chemical imbalance.

I have been down this depression road before, four years earlier. It only seems like yesterday that I had to leave my now ex-fiancé because of my broken trust over his indiscretions. Here I am again, with the undesired end of another relationship. I am filled with questions, self doubt, self blame, and confusion. All of the feelings of loss that I have experienced throughout my life come floating back.

I feared that the thoughts would return. They have. The negative hostility toward myself, the hopelessness, the despair… it’s all present. The collection is stuck on replay. Please make it stop.

I want to stop missing him. I want to see him for who he really is. I want to heal. I want my calm spirit and easygoing demeanor back. I want the hope that I have seemed to have misplaced. And so, my journey begins.