Day 19 of Zoloft regimen. Weight: 134.2 pounds.
It was a beautiful ring, but was based on lies. Unfortunately, I didn’t discover the lies until after he proposed. Fortunately, I discovered the lies before the wedding.
I wrote off that relationship as a freak occurrence. It took me a while, but I was able to gain back my faith in mankind. I believe that people are inherently good and would not do things to purposely hurt one another, with of course some exceptions for psychopathology. Because of this belief, I have come to realize that I have a high tolerance for misbehavior amongst my friends and boyfriends. I put up with a lot. I am very forgiving. I don’t see ill will. I see misguided actions and miscommunication.
And now, here I am in the present, after a failed relationship with my most recent guy, SP. I had a very powerful will these past few weeks. It had been 15 days since I had visited SP’s facebook page. I have been sick with an unrelenting cold, and I think it has also weakened my judgment. Yes, I did something stupid last night. I searched for him on Reddit. I found his profile posted on Reddit gifts, which included a link to a wishlist. Stupid me thought, “Oh, I didn’t know you could list things you wanted on Reddit. Maybe it is for funding projects and ideas?” Uh, yeah, no… it’s a link straight to an Amazon wishlist; SP’s Amazon wishlist that I deleted from my remembered people. I wasn’t prepared to be taken there, but given his usual inane listing of movies and games, there wouldn’t have been a reason for alarm. Unfortunately, there was something new on the list that was just added on January 18. At the very top of the list was this:
A ring? I can only assume that he wants to buy it for the ex-girlfriend that he got back together with (aka, the reason why he dumped me). It’s a lab-created sapphire with simulated diamonds priced at $540. Because of the price point and fake diamonds, I am assuming (again, where do my assumptions ever get me in life?) that this is intended as a birthday, anniversary, or “yay, we’re back together” gift and not an engagement ring. However, it could just be saved on his list for inspiration, to have something made in its likeness.
Needless to say, it hurt seeing the ring. How can a man cycle through relationships and emotions so quickly? It’s like I never existed. All the lines he fed me were total bullcrap.
After these relationship experiences, how do I trust what a man is telling me to be true? How do I not think in the back of my mind, “I wonder when this is going to fall apart”? SP got a pure version of me, with hope in my heart and trust in my soul. Now, I don’t know what to believe anymore.