Crumbles of my heart.

How much heartbreak can the human body endure? Are we made to experienced repeated loss, or does it take it’s toll on our mind, body, and spirit over the years?

As I have hit the age of 39, I can’t help but think that I can’t keep putting myself through the pain of failed relationship after failed relationship. It doesn’t seem like it’s worth the investment anymore, if every time I end up on the floor in a heap of sorrow. I just want one kernel of success. But, my relationships tend to be so fleeting, and the guy makes the choice to leave. I’ve been in the dating world for over 20 years now. Can I catch a little break?

The pain of breakups in my twenties has been nothing compared to how I feel after a relationship has ended in my thirties. It’s down to shattered dreams, and trying to redefine what my life is meant to be. How do I define myself as a single woman, without children, in a circumstance where I wanted to be neither of those things? How do I live in a society that views me as less of a woman, an outcast, or a failure because I have not accomplished these things? How do I come to terms with feeling so unfulfilled? How do I stop feeling so hopeless about my future? How do I deal with the fear of being alone for the rest of my life?

I recently read an article that talks about the differences in dealing with breakups, depending on your age. Here’s a snippet:

In Love and Heartbreak, Age Matters by Amelie Chance

With respect to love and heartbreak, age definitely matters. Here is the reason why: we each have a grand plan for our life based on age. It goes something like this:

•    In my teens, I’ll get into a good college or get a good job.
•    In my early twenties, my career will start to take off.
•    By my mid-twenties, I will meet the person of my dreams.
•    In my thirties, I will be married and have 2.2 beautiful children.
•    In my forties, I’ll be running the company for which I’ve been working.
•    In my fifties, I’ll reflect back on my life and my grown children and smile.
•    In my sixties, I’ll retire and travel the world.

Sound familiar? Give or take a few years and interchange a couple of details and these types of age confined dreams are quite universal. So what happens when things don’t go as expected? What happens when instead of two kids in our thirties, we end up with our heart in two pieces? We feel broken; not only is our heart shattered, so too is our self-perception.

It is critical to understand that the pain one feels after a break up is only partially due to the separation from our mate. What causes equal, if not greater agony, is dealing with our crushed dreams. Our dream to be a certain age and have accomplished certain things has been stolen.

So, I sit here, after reading that article with my heart in crumbles in my hands. I was recently in a relationship with a new guy, we’ll call “The Actor,” that lasted 5 months. He just left me last month. I am hurting. I am in pain. I don’t want to get out of bed. I can’t make the feelings stop. I can’t get his memory out of my head. I miss him. I feel so alone.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I forced myself into sleep around 3:30 a.m., but I just tossed around until 7:30 a.m. How much more of this can I endure? What dreams do I have left, when I can’t even sleep anymore to produce dreams?

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